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  • Mithila Malaviya

The night I hugged myself

I am going to take you through a song today. Take you through it they way I am going through it. You have the song followed by its English translation and then my feelings.


I had hoped for us to have experienced the happier version, but alas.


“Roothi Ae Sabte Rabba

Rabba Dil Bhi Hai Rootha

Sab Kuchh Hai Bikhra Bikhra

Bikhra Sa Rootha Rootha”


*Everyone seems to be upset with me,

God, even my heart won't listen to me,

Everything seems to be scattered,

Scattered and upset.*


I chuckle into a tear as I feel helpless of my own emotions. I am scared to not be his anymore. I am scared to think about how little he loved me, but maybe I love me even lesser than that. How does one even fix that?




“Chup Maahi Chup Hai Ranjha

Bole Kaise Ve Na Ja

Bole Kaise Ve Na Ja

Aaja Aaja”


*My beloved, my love won't talk to me,

How do i stop him?

How do i ask him not to leave?

Come back to me.*


He really won’t. Honestly how do I stop him from being his ego? I uncontrollably cry at the thought of him not being able to ever put me above himself or his ego. He thinks he’s trying? I am broken into a million pieces and you had an inconvenient day. MY friends and family said he’s not nice yours thought we were the couple of the century. How do you not see that I was and am doing my job which is why your side has zero issues, but I am broken into a million pieces. I throw my head back in a fit of tears, snot running down my nose on a face wet with the love that still some where remains.




“Bole Kaise Ve Na Ja

Bole Kaise Ve Na Ja

Chup Maahi Chup Hai Ranjha

Aaja Aaja”


*How do i stop him?

How do i ask him not to leave?

My beloved, my love won't talk to me,

Come back to me.*


How can I stop him when I will lose myself if I do? How do I ask him not to leave but also how not to treat me? I kiss my hand and hold those kisses over my heart. I will be okay won’t I? I can barely see the keys through the tears to type. I am just uncontrollably shaking with the silent tears. I hope no one hears me. Saddest part? At this point, being this hurt, hearing ans seeing the things he is still doing - do I want him back?


Can someone please just hold me. I am not okay. Tears have found their way down my cleavage and I couldn’t help but make a noise while crying. After all it is uncontrollable crying.




“Ve Mera Dola Ni Aaya Dola

Ve Mera Dola Ni Aaya Dola

Ve Mera Dola Ni Aaya Dola

Ve Mera Dola Ni Aaya Dola”


*My love won't come back,

My beloved won't come back, (2)*


My person that I had for six years, he won’t come back. He won’t. I tried. I want him. HE took care of me, he loved me, he had the hots for me, he listened to me, he went out of his way for me, he cared for me. I want him back. Please.


My snot rag is covered but my heart is empty. My eyes are full of tears but my arms are empty.


I will hug myself tonight. Tight.


I will be okay. “Addat hai, chhoot jayegi.” *Hes a habit, it will go away.* I say repeatedly. Broken words, tears non stop, half choked sounds. “Addat hai, chhoot jayegi.” *Hes a habit, it will go away.*

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