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  • Mithila Malaviya

Ex-es suck, you dont

Updated: May 1

Should it bother me that you have an ex? No. Should it bother me when my ex takes his new girl out on vacation merely months after I left him? No. Should it bother me that I am not 100% with you? No, we aren't together. Should it bother me that you see what could be but not how it could be in the future with us? No. Should it bother me that you keep saying things you would do for me and then do none of it? No, you told me to have 0 expectations. Should it bother me that I left that manipulative, narcissistic, misogyny bag of shit, but he is acting like he did? NO.

Honestly, morally, I can not feel any emotions about any of these things. I mean, how can I? Everyone has exes; of course, you do too. I left him; thank god he found someone; he won't come back now. We are still very new in each other's life; it will take longer to be 100% with each other. You are going through things; of course, you have the right to be confused in life too. You are not my boyfriend; I can not have boyfriend expectations from you. I can play his game, but I don't want to stoop so low.

I have moved on, believe it or not. I just thought, with the amount of effort I had put in, everyone would see I left him. I felt like I deserved that. But nonetheless, he never respected me in the relationship; expecting him to do so after the break-up is a bit much.

Moving on to you. My glorious little happy pill. Just writing that statement, I smiled. I knew early on that I could easily fall in love with you. It doesn't matter if I am ready for it or not right now; you could be it. Just the fact that you passed the front porch test and not just pass, ACE it. Not a single person in my life has passed it. But you did, you still do! You really do make me so, so happy. Am I ignoring a few things? Yes. However, I can not bring them up with you, do them with you, or expect them from you. I mean, who the fuck am I? What right do I have to do any of these things to, with, or for you? Even after the front porch test, I know this will end. Which led to a few too many imaginary conversations to and from your house when I drove at night alone. But you know the weirdest thing? I practiced that break-up speech about 20 times, each time with new material. Sometimes with real tears, as said the words out loud in an empty car imagining you hearing them. I tried to push you away twice and you tried too, once. But somehow, after meeting you each time, seeing you, talking to you… I forget these thoughts existed. I bet it's that menace-to-society smile which distracts me. I am sure of it!

We have found the culprit! Arrest the smile right away!

Let's dive a bit deeper into the original cons list I made, shall we? Let's see if any of them are still deal breakers -

  1. You are traumatized by the type of anger I have - no longer an issue. I was never crazy; I was just reacting to my manipulative ex. My anger with you is much softer. I am sure we will have bigger fights if we continue, but I still believe it will be quieter.

  2. I may be too energetic for you - well, you seem to have enjoyed it so far and have had no complaints! But you did react a bit differently in some instances like me seeing my dream bike so makes me wonder.

  3. My anxiety is too high for you to deal with - I mean, I never gave you a chance to help me when I am having the attack but the two times I did, you handled them incredibly smoothly.

  4. You can not reassure me all day long - true, but you have done it to certain extents and have made me realize I don't really need that much assurance; I believe it's the remaining sludge from the ex.

  5. You may not have time - you dint until you dropped the other girls! We don't need to be attached to the hip, but we spend more time together now.

  6. You do not reply to every message - yeah, this is it. This is the deal breaker. I am leaving you right now.

  7. You don't plan any dates. You are happy to just let me take over. Or you ask me to plan - now you have suggested some plans, but that is a technical point I will give you since we are still figuring things out between us.

  8. Instead of being better now, you want me to wait around for you to be in the zone to be better - okay, now this is a complicated one, you are taking steps to improve, and I have seen a change. So I guess this point isn't valid now…?

  9. You are high or drunk 80% of the times we have met; how do I believe your words are valid? - I know your reaction to this perfectly, "But that means I am being 100% honest!" I would like you to be 100% honest when you are sober too. I believe I got each I love you when you were high or drunk. Should I believe it? I really reallllllly want to.

  10. You talk about your ex way too much. Maybe you are looking for her replacement? - I mean, you met her, she called you, and you called right back. You could have texted. Also, a point to be noted, I wasn't bothered by it UNTIL you told me," This is the reason she called, okay? Don't overthink it." I wasn't overthinking it; now I am.

Do I have any new ones to add 3 months later? Yes. Just one -

11. You say you are going to do this or that and never do it. You also apologize like you are my boyfriend. None of it bothers me UNTIL you apologize. Or, UNTIL you say you will do it, I sit here sad and empty-handed. Triggered, because I got this same attitude from my trash of an ex.

And with these 11 cons, I have 33 pros that you gave me in just 6 days. One minute in bed with you was more than 6 hours with a wild man in a hotel room. How does that happen?! Everyone around me can see I am falling for you, but that's what makes me hold back whenever I meet you. I feel like you are not on the same page. You may not even have the book in hand, let alone open to a random page. I feel like a fool. It's not that I don't believe you like me; I do now. I really believe you like me, but I feel like you are at the start from where you can still see your ex if you turn back, but I am so far ahead thinking you will catch up. I just, sometimes, feel like a colossal fool, because I want so much more but maybe you don't.

Yes you have given me many more reasons to believe this will work, but you can not deny that you being scared about your future in which you constantly include me, will install some fear and embarrassment.

I also, 100% believe, if the influencer was 10% more interesting and you were feeling your old pre-ex self, you would be with her in a heartbeat over me. Sue me! I get to have some jealous feelings!

But then I also do know, no one makes you laugh like I do. You don't have even 40% of the amount of fun we have together. I sound cocky I know. I want to believe the latter of the statement but, I only know the first statement to be true - because you told me so.

I cant be with anyone right now, but I want to be more with you. What should I do with myself now? Tell me.


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