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  • Mithila Malaviya

Falling or Floating?

Updated: May 1

"I do really want to come over tonight; I am so sorry that I am stuck with this..." he said with a solemn heart. A sentence she was familiar with. She had heard it before, before a date, before a meeting, before a gift, before the bouquet of flowers she never received. Maybe this sentence was all she deserved, she convinced herself.

For when she had seen and encountered love before, it wasn't like this. It was like falling into a bottomless abyss while also falling asleep. One never hits the ground while in love; one just finds comfort in falling, and hence, in a state of relaxation, one falls asleep. Imagine falling while sound asleep. Having that much faith in the passion and connection one has with another.

But with him, she was falling, she was asleep, but she also kept hitting small rocks, then bigger ones, spoiling her sleep every time. The reassurance would make her fall asleep again like a bedtime story told to a tired child. But still hitting rocks on her way, falling into the abyss.

With her first love, she fell for so long that she slept for years, but then the rocks started hitting her, and she hit the ground immediately. It had ended. She knew the moment she hit the first rock and woke up.

Why is she not hitting the ground when she hits similar rocks this time? Last time, the ground came right after the rocks. The difference was in the bedtime story; she didn't have that last time. Is that why she was okay with falling asleep again? Is that why she was okay with not knowing how deep the abyss was? With love, is there ever a ground that one hits? Or, more realistically, are there more rocks one hits but never the ground?

Or maybe one is never falling but floating, and when the rocks hit and disturb the blissful sleep, you just stand straight and touch the ground. Is that what it is?

So, while this rock was not a new one, while this rock was one she had hit a few times before, she knew the reassurance would put her to sleep right away. So she did what she always did when he needed her…

"It is fine, of course I understand. You need to do this first. I believe in you; I am so proud of you.", she said, hiding all her emotions because he needed her more than she needed him.

While the rock did chip away at her, she didn't break, but at least she was able to protect him.

"I will make it up to you. You are the only person who has never wanted me for anything but me purely. You give me so much unconditional love; how are you so admirable? Why can't I be here for you 100%? But I will get there… I promise." he sang the bedtime story…

And once again, she fell asleep - floating or falling, even she didn't know.


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