- Mithila Malaviya
Depression for Beginners
Updated: Oct 20, 2020
Okay, I'll do the mainstream shit.
Let's see, how do I explain my depression?
I feel like a piece of paper. A single sheet. A single sheet that's been written on very harshly. The imprints on the back of me are the scars. But now that I am not being written on it doesn't hurt. Am flying. Am numb. But there are times when I get stuck under a piece of rock or a pen or something heavy. That's when I don’t feel like a paper anymore. Am the rock. Am the pen. Am the holder. I instantly take the weight of the thing that's holding me down and funnily enough the differences in their weight brings out the different parts of my depression.
Let me try to clarify it. A pen is a nail breaking. It hurts but I won’t cry over it. A laptop is not all over me but just an end on my upper corner, I will fight the urge to fall on the ground to hit my head hard only so I can feel something. However, a rock, no matter how big or small, a rock is the worst. A rock on me means I am outside in the wild. No one can see me. No one can help me. I can’t help me.
That's when it hits. Numb takes his feet off the breaks and the Tear colored pen writes in the form of a stone. Giving me more creases than I want, imagined or required. That's when you lose it. That's when you can’t hold it in.
THAT'S WHEN ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE AND YOU END UP STARING AT A PIECE OF PEANUT WONDERING WHY DO YOU WANT TO CRY SO HARD?! WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT SAD INSTRUMENTAL ON IN YOU HEAD?!!! WHY DO YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF?! DONT YOU REMEMBER WHY YOU HELD ON FOR SO LONG? DONT YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU HAVE BOTHERED???
HAPPY FUCKING THOUGHTS?
WHAT IS HAPPY ANYMORE?
HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU FIRST LEARNED HOW TO RIDE A BIKE?
HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU TOOK THAT VACATION WITH YOUR PARENTS??
HOW DID YOU FEEL WHEN YOU FELL IN LOVE?
HOW DID YOU FEEL ON YOUR BIRTHDAY LAST YEAR?
S A D.
THE YEAR BEFORE THAT?
S A D.
S A D.
FINE THINK ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS?
YOU ARE TROUBLING THEM. THEY HAVE PROBLEMS OF THEIR OWN. YOU CANT BURDEN THEM. YOU HELP THEM. YOU KNOW THEIR PROBLEMS. YOU CANT PILE ON MORE.
The depression then takes over your mind. It's not you anymore. You did try to fight it. IT DID NOT WORK. It's not your fault. IT NEVER WORKS. The depression then tells you what to do, it becomes frustrating because now, you yourself do not know, what you might do.
To yourself, or your loved ones.