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  • Mithila Malaviya

I lost myself

You may have thought differently, you may have planned to do something in the future - but this is what you did in the past and present.

You could never commit to me. You always had an excuse to do it later, another time, the year after, after masters and so many more. As my personality is, I put you first and I go above an beyond. I remember asking you once - if I ever start turning into a housewife, stop me please. And you said you would, but you dint. I kept you first, I met all your needs, I shrugged off all my wants and ideas so you wouldn’t be bothered - you let me. I told you it would happen and you said you will stop it, so where were you? Seemed like you were enjoying all the benefits.

You could have bought me another cake, but we just reused yours. You could have planned the second valentines, but you were busy. You could have gotten me a self thought gift, you did - but it just showed how much you did not know me. You could have said, you are losing yourself, but you enjoyed all the things I kept doing for you while ignoring me. You could have pushed me, but your work was more important. You could have said, I liked your hair before, but you just mentioned your “fav Mithila”.

If you couldn’t stop me from being this pathetic self at such an early stage, I refuse to believe you would have done a better job when we had kids or all deadlines were on our heads.

I would have planned every occasion without any hitch, without any complains, without any questions, without anything in return - but you started expecting me to, you started critiquing it if it was less than perfect - because I always gave you perfect.

At some point, I lived to please you and that power was too much for anyone to manage, you are only human. Instead of our relationship being 50-50 it was all you and I ceased to exist.

I can not change myself, this is just who I am. When I love someone, they come above everything else, even my own self. But if all my friends could point out and manage me - you were the love of my life, you should have known the best way.

I apologised several times for being sick or having a panic attack or being depressed. One shouldn’t have to do that. The more I did it, the worse I got. But you wrote it aside like it’s not that big a deal - it was.

I had lost myself, and in that process, I lost us too. But if we were lost just on the basis of me not being able to keep myself sane - then I dont believe there was too much to lose in the first place.

I know, you will have a lot to say on the things above - but my experience won't change. My feelings won't change.


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