Today's piece was inspired by the song Blue Over You by Mason Ramsey.
Do you know what I missed back in India? Places like Whole Foods. They carry such a sumptuous buffet. I would have been happy with this thought and would have left happily, but I felt someone staring at me, and that's when I caught your eye on the other buffet table looking at me, and it all came rushing back. The hugs, the panic attacks, the toxic behavior, the love, the support, the flowers, the sweet tooth we shared, and so much more. It's been more than five years since we broke up. You moved to Canada, was the last I heard. I wonder what you think I have been up to. I have no courage to walk up to you and say hi. I don't know what my second word would be. So, instead, I remain frozen in place. I am sure you crossed the posters for my show a few times, but you never noticed. Nor did I know you were in these parts of Canada. You remain as frozen as me.
We stand there in a staring match with our half-empty boxes in hand. We both picked the same thing, just tables apart. I wave ever so slightly to you, and a boy runs up to you right then. You still haven't taken your eyes off me. Like you can't believe that I am standing in front of you. You half respond to your son and hand him the box. I look at him with aww. He looks just like you. I wonder if you named him the same name we had thought of. The one you fought with me for. Is he called that? I will never know. A tear rolls down my face, and with a smile, I keep my hand on my heart to let you know how sweet he looks. You always did want two kids, one dog, and a white Pickett fence in Canada. Do you have the rest? I am almost apologetic and guilty that I couldn't give you that. But I hope you are happy. I really do. I walk away, abandoning my half box of food, and go to the cashier before I start bawling my eyes out.
I hear you at the cashier behind me. You learned French?! I am proud of you. Your son fights for a KitKat while you command no, and I chuckle. I buy a KitKat and hand it to the security guard. I tell him your son dropped it, hoping he hands it to you or your son. We also used to fight for that "check out KitKat." It's sweet how some things don't change.
I really wish I could convince myself to have our kid. I am sorry we could not give each other what the other desired.
I hurriedly put my things in the car and strap myself in, but right before I can start the car, I start bawling my eyes out. That could have been us. Our kids would have grown up speaking French, Hindi, and English, these math-wiz kids who are also creative. We would have named our daughter Himawari, but the boy's name was always yours. I cry my eyes out, thinking that if only one of us did not have to compromise so much. We would have found a way. I want to run, hug you, and cry to you about the one year I have left to live. But how will that change anything? I guess you will hear it from a common friend that I passed away. Will you cry? I hope you don't cry too much if you do! I don't know who I miss more you the - person, boyfriend, best friend or my soulmate connection?
It's surprising to see how much of me you have kept around. Your car is my favorite color, you learned French, support the local arts bumper sticker, buying the same groceries you bought with me, that watch - I gave it to you it must be around a decade old now, and most of all, you are still wearing the ring you gave MY name to. Why...
It's too much for me to handle.
I see you from my car walking to yours with your son and pregnant wife. I smile at you. I try not to cry. You catch my eye again while your wife settles in your car with your son. Your very own minivan! I hope your wishes of being a rich man came true! I wish your kids become artists! Ha! The ultimate revenge! You got the life you wanted, without me. I look at you with so much love in my tear-filled eyes. I truly hope you are happy.
I show you the finger heart we used to do to each other. One last time. To tell you…
…I wish for you to always be happy, truly.
I could have stayed, I could have convinced myself. I would have lost all self respect and would have been in deep depression and we would have lost our love altogether, but maybe I would have accepted and bargained my situation with you. Because I would have been with you.
But I don't think you ever wanted me or that, you were just comfortable. At the end of the day, I was right. You don't love me, I loved you and you were used to me.
What a blue life for me to live.