HOW TO BE WOKE AND STILL FALL IN LOVE
Why is it that the people who you can hurt or can be hurt by you can't be strangers? Is it the fact that you know so much about someone that they make you feel special? Is that special feeling being hurt? Is it the fact that you fall in love with quirks, and then you want to be greedy and have those quirks all to yourself? So, in this case, containment would be the issue. Or could it be that you are worried about losing someone who understands you, so it's an abandonment issue?
Here's my problem, according to my hopeless romantic ass, a stranger with the cutest quirks who you know is going to leave can make you feel extremely special within minutes. So now this stranger could hurt me too. But why is the hurt worse even if everything else is the same? This stranger can hurt you or be hurt by you. So what the fuck is hurt?
The feeling of being unwanted, the feeling of being replaced, the feeling of rejection, the feeling of whatever the fuck I seem to have lost my point because I can't think straight. I just hurt someone I did not want to hurt.
That's it. The unintentional feeling that you use to make yourself feel better and end up making someone else feel worse. That's it? Maybe in my case?
Let's do this. Let's accept all my feelings, shall we? Hold my hand through it while reading this, whoever you are, stranger. I am in love with someone.
Here's the problem, I can't be in love right now. Human emotions are complex, I know, but what the fuck is this - I am in love with someone when I know I can't fall in love? What the fuck is this statement. I miss him all the time. I sit by my phone, waiting for his text. I cry, and I know he can pacify me. I think he's replacing me constantly, or it's just a matter of time. I want to move in with him. How can I want to live with someone I met MERE MONTHS AGO? I know I grew up watching people spend their lives with each other who had decided in mere DAYS. Some, maybe even HOURS. But I spent YEARS trying to be with someone who was 100% wrong for me. I ignored everyone in my life, from my oldest to day-old friends, telling me I was in love with this man.
How can I let someone have such a chokehold on my heart? I may have royally screwed up tonight. I may have unintentionally ended this non-relationship with the man I love because I have so many feelings for him. I know he's not ready. Now here's the second problem statement - on the one hand, I would like to wait around till he is ready to be with me, but should I? On the other hand, shouldn't the person I end up with feel the same way as soon as I do? Now the solution statements - one, I shouldn't wait around for anyone; two, life is messy, and sometimes you need to wait around. HOW TO BE WOKE AND STILL BE IN LOVE, a novel coming soon by MaaKasam. I really fucked up tonight. Problem statement number three - one, I should be able to express myself without feeling guilty; two, I should be mindful and not burden my emotions on someone who is not ready. While writing this, I have realized the best option would be to let this person go because how am I helping them be happier and feel more joy in life? But then again, it's not always on me to make people feel happy and joyful - this is problem statement number four.
HERE IS THE ACTUAL PROBLEM - I have been in love before. This is not that. So was I ever in love, or am I experiencing adult, real-world, actual love that is absolutely messy? I just want to take back what I said. I just want to not feel this way - I hurt someone I love. I feel so so so bad about the power struggle I tried to do with the ONE PERSON ON THIS PLANET who has never done that with me. I am so dumb. Is it the fact that it's night and things are extra serious at night? I just want to apologize and let go of everything I could do to upset this person. We were having such a fun time. We were talking about things. But also not talking about things because I never know when this man is serious! He says let's live together, but then he takes it back. He says you will be the mother of my kids then turns and says it's a line to flirt with you. He says he loves me, but we are not in a relationship. Yes, I know it sounds like I want a relationship, but I don't.
I just want him in my life, but my extra fucking emotions and profound deep emotions may just have scared him away. Good job, Mithila. It took you four months. You have been in love with him for three of them. I feel like Ayesha Takia from Dil Maange More. He is Shahid Kapoor, who just read my diary and is overwhelmed as fuck. He is going to run. I just know it in my gut, the same way I knew Arsenal and Barcelona would win. He makes me feel so confused and conflicted. I am sorry, but my definition of love is not about there being so many red flags. Please leave. My definition of love is we are all fucked up. Let's be fucked together and figure it out.
Why am I like this? Why did I say what I said? What was I hoping to achieve? Well, I know what I was hoping to achieve, him to feel as hurt and jealous as I was when he told me he could potentially be sexually involved with a woman who clearly has feelings for him. Okay, writing that, I am still feeling those feelings, but did I need to hurt him? I don't know. I don't know anything about this man; he makes me feel so confused and conflicted.